DES+NATE: And Insight into the Making
The alarm clock blared, telling me that I could put it off no longer, I had to write that poem. It was to be about an object, any object really. But, I had to be honest with myself for once in my life, and write about what I, not only wanted, but needed to write about. It had to be about that damned bracelet. To anyone else it looks like any old rubber bracelet that, as my parents say, “those young kids wear these days,” but to me it was so much more.
It was after Christmas ’10, when my then closest friend gave me my present. Strangely it was in a Disney bag, like the kind you get when you buy a souvenir from Disney World, but I didn’t care. Inside was a shirt and a bracelet, merchandise from one of our favorite YouTube channels, DesandNate. I was beyond thrilled! No one had ever listened to what I said I liked before and actually remembered. No, I always had to write it down multiple times, and even then it would probably have been forgotten. But, this? This was probably the most heart warming moment of my life, and from that day on I never took the bracelet off, and I never will despite what happened September 20th, 2012. On that day, at 3:09 PM, I said goodbye to the most amazing friend I have ever had. A few days before, her cousin had attempted suicide, and my negative reaction was definitely not the best to express at the time. But, hell, I was so angry! Her cousin was my friend too, she could have talked to me. Everything she was going through, and more, I had experienced before as well as still going through to this day. I just did not understand, and I guess neither could she.
And so now that bracelet is my “post-it note on the fridge,” reminding me of both the good times and bad. You might be thinking I am insane or a masochist, but let me explain. I am not an optimist, and as such I have never seen life through rose-colored glasses, though they may be a bit smoke tarnished. And, as such, I need that reminder that life has beautiful moments to look forward to, and not to give up when the waiting takes too long between them. However, I also need it to remind myself of that moment I lost my most valuable friend, so that I never make that mistake again, and make more of a conscious effort to attach my brain to my mouth.
Looking back at the poem, which was written, and underwent its first revision, less than a month after my goodbye, it is quite dark. But, at the time, that is exactly how my mind was. Also, I was much newer to writing poetry, than I currently am, but even still I am still facing the same challenges of revision. As I hinted at before, I am not the most articulate when trying to express emotions, it’s sort of new to me after being an introvert most of my life. However, I hope to one day come back and edit, when I have more skill, though I do not think this or any other poem I write will ever achieve perfection in my eyes because that is just the way I am.
My first draft, hurriedly written around 5:00 AM as my parents readied themselves for their long day at work behind me, was all over the place. I was so overcome by the meaning of the bracelet that I felt I had to express everything to get what I wanted to say across. I felt that I had to include each metaphor I thought of, because that’s how it came out, and that it would take from the poem if I did not add all of my thoughts about my bracelet. Initially, it was just a huge lump of metaphors listed on my screen. But, what kind of poem would that be? There needed to be things in between, of course. And so, I elaborated on the metaphors, quickly learning that some of those metaphors only made sense in my head and not on paper. In the end, it simply turned out as a big mess.
After sharing the poem, I got received very helpful advice, which was to concentrate on both my topic and length. I realized that I did not need all the metaphors, and that they only distracted from what I wanted to say to my audience. Sure, they were relevant, but when I condensed the poem as a trial it turned out that it became more powerful without those extra bits and decided to keep it that way. Now, do not get me wrong, I still have those bits if I want to do something with them later, but for now it is what it is. And, since I am now in a different frame of mind, I just do not feel right tampering with something I wrote at a time of great emotion in fear that I might take the edge, so to speak, from the poem. I fear that I might turn the poem into something that it is not, and that is a huge pet peeve for me. But I believe in myself, and I know that one day I will know what to do. And on that day I will be able to stand back and say, “wow, I did that,” and smile from ear to ear.
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